


egoism

by chosuiri



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Camus centric, Character Study, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, Was Requited But Heh. You know., based off non-fiction drama, kinda.......? lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 11:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chosuiri/pseuds/chosuiri
Summary: "Acting normal" is what Camus and Ranmaru had agreed upon after their fallout.Lying and deceiving is what Camus believes he does best, but it seems like he can no longer distinguish between his own lies and truths. Was everything true? Was that smile fake?And why did he feel so much pain?





	egoism

**Author's Note:**

> i fucking hate the nonfiction drama cd it literally ruined it my life but other than that ! it takes place after it, on the assumption that it was actually nonfiction.  
> please read the translation for the nonfiction drama [here](https://ryota-kunstranslations.tumblr.com/post/180741626056/translation-utapri-non-fiction-drama-track-1) (all tracks were translated, they just forgot to link the 4th one on everything which is [here](https://ryota-kunstranslations.tumblr.com/post/180910624411/translation-utapri-non-fiction-drama-track-4)).  
> Anyway i have a lot of feelings for camran and camus who self-sabotaged himself so now here’s him suffering
> 
> also this is my first utapri fic so. haha. be gentle on me. also no beta we die like men

“You’re singing dispassionately again.” Ranmaru points out after their recording, “what did I say about not causing them trouble?”

“I’m singing normally.” Camus replies icily as he takes a sip from his water bottle. “I told you, peasant. I’m sure I’ve made it clear to you.”

“Bastard.” Ranmaru snarls, turning his head away and staring at their other group mates talking excitedly to each other near the door. “At least put your all in being an idol. They’re going to notice.”

Camus also directs his gaze over to Reiji and Ai, his heart growing heavy as soon as he notices Reiji petting Ai’s head. Everything worked out for them. Things are no longer the same, but they’re healing. Moving despite that.

As for him and Ranmaru, they have to keep the act up. They have to pretend. To keep the act up that they’re simply group mates who clash with each other, but can tolerate each other enough to do their jobs. Although both of them know that things between them will never be the same ever again.

It’s been a huge miscalculation on Camus’s part. He tried to stay as distant as possible. He never thought he would have to explain himself-- really, it’s for the better that Ranmaru says he won’t trust him anymore. He can’t imagine it’d end well for either of them. He can’t take back what he’s said to shatter the illusion, but if anything it’ll make their eventual parting easier.

His purpose to becoming an idol was for his queen alone. Yet, he’s let himself get attached despite all he did to try to snuff out the feeling growing in his heart. It would’ve been so easy if it weren’t for them. If it weren’t for him.

Ranmaru is… a fool. A kind, but earnest fool. He’s been lied to many times. His trust betrayed many times. Camus couldn’t stand to continue lying to him. Even for a second the both of them had wondered if it would’ve been better if Camus hasn’t said anything-- if he kept up the illusion. Neither of them would’ve gotten hurt, but… he knows it’ll only deal them more pain in the future.

He loathes the feeling he gets when he reminiscences over the simpler days they spent with each other. Ranmaru’s never-ending kindness and affection portrayed in his own Ranmaru way… it moved him.

He’s trusted Ranmaru with more than any usual stranger, but he’s led him to believe it wasn’t enough.

“Camus.” Ranmaru starts, stirring Camus from his reflection. “You going to eat with us? We’re done here.”

Camus blinks, looking up to see that Reiji and Ai must’ve already left while he was spacing out. Vexed by his own strange behavior, he tries to make his face as disgruntled-looking as possible. He thinks about himself sucking on a lemon, and imitates as such.

Ranmaru shoots a glare at him. “Bastard. I said not to worry them, but yet you’re acting strange.”

“We don’t have to pretend. They’re not here.” Camus returns casually, as if unbothered. “I was just thinking.”

“Whatever. I can’t stand you, you lying bastard. As if you’ll ever act as your true self.” Ranmaru huffs in return, “let’s go. This studio’s cafeteria is apparently pretty g--” He then pauses suddenly. Camus’s eyes widen in recognition, and immediately a scene from before stars playing in his mind.

Camus frowns, “let’s go. Kotobuki and Mikaze are waiting.”

Ranmaru rolls his eyes, making a noise of agreement as he goes ahead of Camus. Camus sighs, getting up to follow suit. He then starts to ruminate on Ranmaru’s words.

_As if you’ll ever act as your true self._

That begs the question, then… who is his true self? As if Camus even knows himself at this point. He’s been lying so much it’s difficult to tell what’s the truth anymore. The smile he showed Ranmaru, and the time they spent together… he can’t exactly say it’s a lie. As much as he declared it was, it seems that even he wouldn’t be human if he didn’t feel anything.

Camus places a hand on his chest near his heart, and closes his eyes. A sudden chilling sensation emanates from his hand. Upon feeling the freezing coldness, he cuts off his magic there.

No.

He can’t just freeze the pain away. It’ll hurt. He’ll hurt, but it serves as a reminder of his goal for his queen. It’ll be fine as long as he keeps this in mind. 

* * *

“Myu-chan, it’s lunch! Shouldn’t you be eating something more… you know, balanced?” Reiji asks with a frown, “geez, you’re always eating all those sweets!”

“I’m watching my health too, Kotobuki.” Camus retorts, gesturing to the slice of carrot cake he is eating.

“It’s still cake.” Ai adds, “there’s some nutritional value in there, I suppose. What did you eat for breakfast? Pancakes?”

Ranmaru nods along to their conversation, although he’s currently fixated on eating rather than contributing to the conversation. For a second, Camus wants to smile at that fact. He forces himself to keep a straight face, however. 

Camus hadn’t found it in him to be able to eat pancakes recently. They were as sweet as ever, but it just gave him a bitter feeling. He couldn’t stand it, no matter how much syrup he drenched them in. 

“Not pancakes.” Camus shrugs, “I assure you it was nutritious.”

Ranmaru looks over at Camus, and raises an eyebrow. “You don’t eat pancakes anymore?”

“Must have ate them too often.” Camus replies quietly, shooting Ranmaru a glare with the hidden message to act normal.

“Maybe enjoy them without all that damn syrup next time,” Ranmaru sneers in return, steering their conversation into something a bit more characteristic of them.

“It’s not enough without all the syrup.” Camus chuckles, easing his tension slightly as he tries to grasp something near the semblance of his usual self off the stage. “I’ll try some different toppings.”

“You can also alter your intake of them.” Ai suggests, “it seems like having too much of something will cause you to dislike it. I didn’t expect that to happen to you, though, Camus.”

Camus snorts. “Me neither.”

In truth, pancakes and crepes alike make him think about Ranmaru. The kindness he showed him. His trust in him. He knows there will never be a time like that again, and he’ll make sure it never happens again. Those moments of brief happiness are nothing but a dream now.

Camus doesn’t believe he deserves them.

* * *

“Mikaze.” Camus approaches the other reading on the couch, and takes a seat in the couch perpendicular to him.

Ai looks up from his book, shooting him a confused look. “Camus… what’s up? You’ve been acting strange lately.”

Camus sighs, “it’s unbecoming, isn’t it. I wanted to know something.”

“Go ahead.”

“I wonder if I’m able to freeze my heart and still live.”

Ai’s eyes widen, “are you stupid?”

“It was a joke.” Camus rolls his eyes.

Ai shakes his head, “Camus, your sense of humor sucks. Your heart is pretty much made out of ice anyway. What’s this, afraid of human emotions?”

 _Something like that_ , Camus answers in his head, but instead he simply shrugs. A smirk of sorts appear on his lips, “well, I suppose there’s no problem if you believe that still.”

“That’s right, only Alexander can melt it.” Ai continues, referring to Camus’s dog. “And other dogs, even though you refuse to admit it.”

Camus snorts, “not bad.” He gets up from the couch, and starts to leave the living room.

“Where are you going?”

“Taking Alexander out for a walk.”

* * *

True to what Ai said, his heart feels lighter when he’s with Alexander. There’s no pretenses between him and his dog, after all. Alexander is spectacular enough to sense if anything is amiss, and there’s no secrets to be kept from his most trustworthy companion.

If only he could have so much trust in Ranmaru. Either way, he ended up betraying _his_ trust. Even then, it still seems like he had treasured Ranmaru’s generosity.

Alexander stops in his tracks, and turns his head around to look at Camus. Realizing that he hadn’t been walking alongside him, Camus catches up to his furry friend and strokes his head gently. “Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” He mutters, and Alexander barks in response.

It’s not a complete replacement, but this is a momentary peace he’ll let himself enjoy.

 _“I live my life without lying to myself.”_ Ranmaru’s words echo in his ears. Perhaps he envies him. Perhaps he’d even say that he loved him-- no, loves him still. His honesty. But that also means his desire for the truth.

And for someone who spends his life lying and deceiving others, he’s the opposite of what Ranmaru would want. 

> _“Let’s end this.”_
> 
> _“I… I will never forgive you. Never.”_

“Not until the end.” Camus voices alongside what his memory plays. With the hand not holding Alexander’s leash, he clutches at his chest again. He tightens his grasp on his shirt for a bit longer, but eventually releases it. 

“If only that story was fiction.” Camus mutters to himself, wincing at how much his heart aches at the thought. “No, even if it was just make-believe, there’s nothing that…”

Alexander whines.

Camus bites his lip. “I’ll act properly as an idol to the end. This is my reality and the path I’ve chosen.”

He starts walking with Alexander again.

**Author's Note:**

> cry over camus with me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/firstspears). also camran gives me many feelings.


End file.
